On the Outside
by wouldtheywriteasongforyou
Summary: "Someone could've seen and helped me if they wanted to, but no one notices a tragedy until it's too late to do anything." Entry for Book-Quotes Challenge. Inspired by Lemony Snicket, Rick Riordan, and the Taylor Swift song (The Outside). "Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree . . . ." Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril. #18.


**Author's Note:  
Disclaimer: Inspired by Lemony Snicket, Rick Riordan, and Taylor Swift.**

This is my entry for the "Book-Quotes Challenge" in the Percy Jackson and the Land of Writing forum. The quote (18) was given to me by**maybewesortoosoon**.

**I just wanted to be something that mattered to someone.**

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**On the Outside**

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**#18.**

"Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter."

~ Lemony Snicket, _The Penultimate Peril_

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I didn't know what I would find when I went looking for a reason to betray him. It wasn't that I wanted to hurt him – the hurt was pretty much inevitable on his part. He was too trusting and too naive, and he had to know that Fate had doomed him from the start by giving him a vulnerable heart of gold. He shined brighter than any sun or star in the sky, and his soul was dusted with the fingerprints of Saturn. He was a not-quite hero living and breathing a tragedy. And I, the girl who was attracted to things that glittered a brilliant stardusted gold and who ruined everything I touched, was his punishment for being too flawless.

It's a curse being the daughter of the goddess of beauty because no one can see past the exterior, the beautiful shell that encased a monster within. Other campers thought my siblings and I had air for brains and magic in our veins and arteries. While that applied to some of my sisters and brothers, people had a habit of underestimating me. They didn't realise that beauty was only skin deep and that it didn't hide the demons in my eyes or the ugliness dirtying my blood. They saw who they wanted to see, a charming ditsy girl who wove flowers in her queenly nightingale black ringlets, and not the murderer I was capable of being. The monster that resided within poisoned my thoughts and cooed seductively in my ear as I killed innocence and shot my victims with arrows. _Love hurts,_ the monster would snarl with each execution. And then after I had fulfilled its wishes, my heart would s.l.o.w.l.y be ripped to shreds by the monster's deceptively gorgeous silver scythe as it demanded retribution.

I would return wide-eyed and innocent back to my cabin each night. There would be blood underneath my fingernails and fewer arrows in my quiver than I had begun with in the evening. The evidence hinted at my late-night hobby but no one was ever around to question me of my whereabouts. I made sure to slay my monster's enemies in the forest and to hide the puncture wounds so that whenever the victim was found Chiron would suspect that it was a rampant hellhound and never me. _Oh no_, I would deny enchantingly. _Never me_.

He found me one full moon when I was a little too careless with my kill. _Silena_? he said disbelievingly. He came over to me just as I was camouflaging the victim's identity; I cursed myself for not being more vigilant and noticing his presence sooner. _It was you all along._ But his eyes were unsure, too startled by seeing the monster bare its teeth as it preyed off me. I was as much of a victim as the ones I had slain. He reached out a hand and touched my arm gently, stroking the skin carefully as if sealing my layers up one by one so that the monster was trapped on the outside now and could not make its way back inside of me.

I knew who he was, of course. The forger's son was tall, dark, and handsome like a valiant Prince Charming should be. He was built like a linebacker but moved with the fluidity and grace of the shadows. Beckendorf, was his name. Charles Beckendorf. There were whispers of him floating all around camp, and a fair share of them stemmed from the lips of my cabinmates. _He's perfect_, my sisters would giggle and sigh. And they would gossip about his curly hair, the powerful strength he exuded, the raw honesty and trust radiating from him. He was the type to save others but never himself. And it looked like he wanted to save me that night.

He managed to do so for a while. He never told Chiron that it was me who had ended the lives of seven campers that summer. The monster had retreated into the recesses of my mind, banished by the touch of Beckendorf's purity on my skin. But I knew the monster was simply biding its time – nothing could ever get rid of it. I was deluded by Beckendorf's smile, though, and the promises of innocence it emitted. Those nights I had once spent hunting my fellow campers became nights I watched Beckendorf's skilled hands illuminated by the firelight in the forge as he fixed broken things. _How can I ever try to be better_? I asked him, wanting him to fix me too because I was just as wrecked as these inanimate objects he repaired. He smiled sadly and shook his head, not responding. He saw me there, but never knew that I would give up everything in my life to be a part of this moment, a part of him. I just wanted to be something that mattered to someone.

_I can't be fixed?_

_Perhaps_, he shrugged and bent a piece of metal back to its original shape. _Perhaps not. But I'm not the one who can help you become better, Silena._

_Yes you are!_ I shouted back, terrified that he had given up on me and that the monster was going to come slithering back. I had been free of its constraints for weeks now, and I didn't want it to ever control me again. _You're the only one who can help me._

He set down his tools and walked over to where I was sitting on top of a work table. _No,_ he said gently, those big calloused hands reaching up to cradle my face. _Only _you_ can heal your soul._

_I don't – I don't understand_.

_I know_, he sighed. He kissed the tip of my nose. _I wish that my love towards you were enough to banish away the demons in your eyes._

I wanted to tell him I wish it were enough too but I couldn't force myself to speak the words. He kissed me on the lips, then, and suddenly there was nothing else I could say.

Beckendorf started leaving Camp Half-Blood for extended periods at a time. He would eventually return with his clothes in tatters and soot marring his face, but he always came back. Then he would proceed to spend the rest of his time holed up in his forge until the day he would leave again. _I love you_, he would say each time he left. _I'm coming back._ And his promises would ring of confidence and conviction. It was up to me to trust him to keep his word. I knew he was on special business regarding the Second Titan War. He was the hero that everyone had always said he was with his new weapons and innovative ideas that saved lives. I just had to decide if I wanted to take the risk and put my heart on the line in case the day came when he would have to break his promise.

In Beckendorf's absence, the monster returned with a vengeance. It whispered to me cruel, unspeakable things and demanded that I play spy for it. The monster revealed its identity to me – **Kronos** – and forced me to report Percy Jackson's plans to Luke Castellan. Kronos fed on my inner doubts and fears and manipulated them until I could not close my eyes without the apprehension of the nightmares he was going to send my way. He convinced me that Beckendorf was not worth all of the heartache and that I should deceive the one that I love before Beckendorf inexorably betrayed me. _You never meant anything to him_, Kronos sneered. _And you never will_. In a momentary lapse of judgment and pitiable weakness, I chose Luke over Beckendorf and gave the former all of the knowledge he needed to know about Camp Half-Blood's plans of ambushing the _Princess Andromeda_.

_Promise me you'll keep Charlie safe_, I begged Luke. His mouth tightened in disgust but the few shreds of humanity left in Luke Castellan's body had him reluctantly nodding his head in agreement.

Two promises were broken that night and two campers from Camp Half-Blood died on that ship, never to return, all because of me and my stupid pride. Beckendorf had abandoned me once and for all because I had given up on our love first. And Luke, well, he was gone the moment he decided to accept Kronos' beliefs. I placed my trust in the wrong people, and perhaps this story would have had a happier ending if only I had been a better judge of character.

I only know one way to fix the mess I have made and the deaths I have warranted. One more perfidy has to happen before I can heal my soul from all of its wounds. Charlie always wanted me to find the strength and courage inside myself, and this has to be done for me to die a hero's death and end up in Elysium with him. Up on the pegasus, I fly sky-high until the sun is scraping against my shoulders. Below, Manhattan lies in ruins but up here the whole world is burning with rebirth and being cleansed of its sins. The drakon huffs, eyeing me warily. Clarisse's electric spear is weighing me down with the guilt of my past but I have to do this. I can't be afraid, I can't back out now. I have to be a hero too and face death fearlessly if I ever want to make things right with the world I have wreaked havoc with and with the beautiful boy whose heart I betrayed. I charge and parry and block and then

_IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouI'mnotafraidIloveyouCharlieIloveyouIloveyouWe'llbewitheachothersoonlovelovelove –_

The poison hits me in the face and stings me until the silver scythe melts off my charm bracelet and brands itself into my skin and all my layers are peeling away from the acid and the monster cannot run and hide anymore and this is it this is the end and I love you Charlie I love you It'll be okay We'll be okay

Someone could've seen and helped me if they wanted to, but no one notices a tragedy until it's too late to do anything.

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